Teaching Dean to Value Himself
by PoeticJustice84
Summary: In this, the first installment,Bobby tries to help Dean see that his life is worth something also. This will be a series like my White Collar and NCIS fics.
1. Chapter 1

**Teaching Dean to Value Himself**

**Chap. 1**

Sam watched his brother carefully maneuver himself up and out of the Impala, wincing ever so slightly as he did so. That small grimace was all the proof Sam needed to declare his older brother injured. Dean had said on numerous occasions in past four hours that he was fine. Sam had known that to be a lie even before witnessing the cringe. No one got thrown into a wall, a tree, and then a head stone and came out unscathed no matter how good one was at hunting down the monsters of the supernatural realm.

"You told me you were fine."

"I am fine, so shut your trap before Bobby hears you!"

"Dean, if you're hurt I need to know. How bad is it?"

Bobby chose that moment to appear seemingly from out of nowhere.

"How bad is what?"

Sam eyed Dean, giving him a chance to fess up. When Dean only stared back daring Sam to say a word, Sam made up his mind.

"Dean's hurt. Happened last night while we were on a hunt."

Bobby turned to the older Winchester and raised his eyebrows.

"That true, boy?"

Dean had the good graces to look ashamed as Bobby shook his head in disbelief.

"Damn it. Come on in so I can take a look."

Sam started after the only family they had left never noticing that Dean stood where he was, holding the Impala door.

"Dean, git your ass in here!"

"Bobby."

That one slurred word had Bobby running for the kid. Dean never disobeyed an order. John Winchester saw to that. Now he was slurring. This was bad on so many levels.

Sam watched as Bobby caught Dean just before he hit the ground. Finally his brain registered what was happening and he flew into action, helping Bobby get Dean upright and in motion.

Dean came to his senses slowly. He first heard the voices surrounding him. Next he smelled antiseptic ointment Bobby always kept. Squinting his bright green eyes, he saw he was on Bobby's couch. He was safe.

"Sam?"

"I'm here, Dean."

"Ya, idjit! What the hell's the matter with you? It's a wonder that knot on your head didn't knock you for a loop sooner than it did. And those bruises on your back look awful. I'm pretty sure you got a few cracked ribs. Not to mention that broken collarbone. That had to be painful as fuck. You should have said something sooner."

Dean didn't see the problem. He wasn't seriously hurt. He had been hurt a lot worse on several occasions. Why were they making such a big deal out of this now?

"I really didn't think a few fractures were worth all this trouble. Uhh! My head."

"Yeah, Dean, getting your head smashed into a wall will do that. You lied to me. You said you were fine!"

"I am fine."

"I think our definitions of fine are vastly different."

"I wasn't bleeding out so I was fine."

Bobby watched as Sam disappeared into the kitchen, too wound up to even finish the conversation. The kid was right, though. Dean wasn't fine. Bobby knew that Dean Winchester had not been fine in years.

"You're lucky. This could have ended very badly for you."

"It didn't."

"Dean for once can't you just think of yourself?"

"Sammy comes first, Bobby. You know that."

"Sam wasn't hurt, dipshit! You were."

"Yeah but it's nothing I can't handle."

"That's not the point. You shouldn't have to handle any of it."

"Look if I hadn't provoked that ghost, Sam would have been hurt, alright. I wasn't about to let that happen. Not on my watch."

Sam slammed the kitchen door open and stomped into the living room.

"Sam can take care of himself! I'm not a little kid anymore Dean! I've been taller than you since I was sixteen. You don't always have to protect me!"

"Yes, Sam, I do. Dad gave me one job. One job, Sam! Watch out for Sammy, Dean! Take care of Sammy, Dean!"

"You always have. Now it's time to let me watch out for you."

Dean never got a chance to respond. Black dots appeared in front of his eyes and the room seemed to close in around him just before he succumbed to the darkness.

"Dean!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chap. 2**

Bobby Singer never gave much thought to being a father. Truthfully, after the shit that happened with his wife and their unborn child, he never really thought about family much, until John Winchester showed up on his porch with a floppy haired toddler in his arms. Even at eighteen months, Sammy Winchester was a talker. And what he couldn't convey with his limited vocabulary, he expressed with those puppy dog eyes.

Bobby didn't even notice the other boy until John motioned for him to take Sammy and play with on the floor. Bobby then watched with curious eyes as a small blonde child no more than six years old reached into the bag he had been carrying and pulled out a container of mega blocks. The little boy never spoke, just spread the blocks out in front of his brother and started helping the baby build a tower. With a gentleness Bobby had never before seen, the blonde boy showed Sammy how to stack, and build. When Sammy swiped his chubby hand across the tower and caused it to fall in pieces, the older child just softly laughed and started over. In that moment, Bobby Singer wondered what he might have been missing.

Sam Winchester sipped his now cold coffee and contemplated the situation. Dean was in a hospital, again. Dean had been hurt protecting him, again. Bobby had saved the day, again! Glancing at the older hunter, Sam smiled. Just knowing Bobby was here with him made this ordeal seem just a tad bit better. Did Bobby realize just how much the Winchesters had come to rely on him over the years? God, Bobby had seen them through some shit! Sam remembered dialing Bobby's number numerous times when Dean was hurt or sick. Or when Dad was late coming back from a hunt and he was scared something had happened.

"Bobby, does it bother you that we depend on you so much?"

Bobby folded the news paper he had been reading and looked at Sam. The boy had grown into a fine man, Dean's influence Bobby was sure because John had hardly been around long enough to teach anything. The damn fool had squandered the best gifts any one could be given. He had left it to Dean to raise Sam and take care of the home fires while training the kid to be a fierce hunter. It was too much to expect of a small child.

"I'm glad you two idjits trusted me. God knows you needed someone with your daddy always off hunting God knows what in Bumfuck Oregon."

"Bobby?"

"What Sam?"

"Thanks. For everything."

Tossing his ice-cold coffee into the trash, Sam exited the room and walked toward the elevators.

"Dean that brother of your sure is something. You did good, kid."

"He's back into this shit because of me. Apparently I didn't do too much right."

Bobby rose to his feet, hitting the call button as he did.

"Bout time you decided to join us! Sam was worried."

"_Sam_ was worried?"

"What do want me to say, Dean? That you scared the hell out of me when I saw you do that second swan dive. Damn it boy!"

The smirk on Dean's face said it all. He just enjoyed getting Bobby riled up. The little shit!

"Where's Sam?"

"He stepped out for coffee just a few minutes ago."

"Is he alright?"

"He's fine. You're the one in the hospital, Short bus."

"What happened?"

"That concussion was worse than I thought. And your blood work came back all fucked up. Sam said you hardly sleep or eat anymore. All you do is obsess of the hunt. What gives, kid?"

Dean turned his head away from his surrogate father, not wanting to have this conversation while he was still in a hospital bed.

"Why am I in a hospital?"

"Haven't we been over this already?"

"But won't this raise questions?"

"Not here. Hannah knows all about what we do."

"I most certainly do. Bobby helped me with a problem a few years back. Now when ever he had a problem of the medical variety, he knows to come to me."

Bobby stood to greet his friend.

"Hannah, you met Dean in the ER. Dean, this is Dr. Hannah Allred. She's been treating you since you came in."

"So what's the verdict?"

Hannah began checking her patient over. He truly was a handsome boy. And charming. Bobby was right about Sam and Dean Winchester. They were magnificent kids.

"I think as long as you take it easy for a few days, you can go. I assume Bobby; you'll keep an eye on him?"

"You assume right. That kid isn't getting out of my sight for at least a week."

"Bobby can you call Sam and tell him it's time to blow this Popsicle stand."

"Sure, kid."

Dean lay stretched out on Bobby's couch, wrapped up in one the old blankets he loved so much. The smelled like Bobby and the salvage yard. The smelled like the only real home he had ever had.

"Here. Bobby said you better eat every bite. And I'll tell him if you don't."

"What are you, eight?"

"Just eat the lasagna and shut up!"

Sam forked a bite of his own as he saw Dean do the same. Maybe with Bobby's help he could help Dean with whatever was bothering him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chap. 3**

Dean watched Bobby as the older man pulled a book from the top shelf of his library. The old book was one about curses. Had Bobby found a hunt?

"Quit staring boy and make yourself useful. Git in here and help me find this curse."

"Yes sir."

Dean sat at the desk and started flipping through another book on curses.

"Can I ask who this is for?"

"Some hunter Ellen knows. The idjit got himself into some trouble with a coven. Amateur bastard should have left this to the real hunters!"

Dean tossed Sam another book as soon as he walked through the door. After Bobby explained what they were looking for, all three got to work.

Bobby's stomach growled. Glancing at his watch, he saw that lunch time had already passed. Closing the book that was currently making his eyes cross, he went in search of food.

"What do you blow holes want for lunch?"

Sam looked up from his research and smiled.

"We could do some omelets. There's eggs, the smoked ham, some cheddar, mushrooms, peppers."

"Works for me. Dean?"

"Sure."

After Bobby disappeared into the kitchen, Sam took the opportunity to talk to Dean.

"So what's with you lately?"

"What?"

"Something's up with you. I want to know what."

"It's nothing Sam. I guess I'm just tired."

"You think? You never sleep. You barely eat and you work yourself into the ground. What the hell, man?"

"Just let it go, Dude."

"No. I've spent a lifetime letting stuff go because you said everything was fine. Nothing was ever fine, Dean!"

"You were always taken care of."

"But you weren't."

"I was fine, Sam."

"Damn it Dean! Why can't you ever admit that maybe Dad was wrong?"

"Because he wasn't. He knew I could handle whatever he threw at me. And if I couldn't, I learned to adapt."

"You shouldn't have had to adapt to anything! You were just a kid, Dean!"

"I haven't been a kid in years Sammy."

Sam knew that to be the truth. Dean's childhood was viciously ripped away the night their mom died and left him to raise his younger brother.

"Why didn't you ever tell me how hard it was, when we were kids?"

"You were just a little kid, Sam."

"So were you."

"I wanted you to actually enjoy some of your childhood. You deserved that much."

"And you didn't?"

"That was never an issue."

"How was that not an issue?"

"We didn't have time for me to be a kid, Sam! Dad needed me to grow up and take charge, so that's what I did. And I would do it again if it meant you got to be happy. I know our lives weren't always perfect, hell sometimes they were just plain fucked up, but I always tried to spare you from the most gruesome parts."

Bobby's heart broke as he listened to his two idjits rehashing old wounds. Sam saw the injustice in what John Winchester had done to his oldest son. Dean however saw nothing wrong with the brute had force his son to endure. In Dean's eyes, John Winchester was a god.

"Food's ready."

Dean thanked whatever higher power made Bobby enter the room when he did. He did not like the direction the conversation was taking. Sam was too inclined to assign blame where their dad was concerned. John had done the best he could with a bad situation. If he had to rely on Dean a little too often, so be it. Dean gladly did whatever he could to make his father's life easier. Raising Sam meant Dad could hunt and help other people. It meant he could search for the demon that killed their mom. That was fine with Dean.

"Thanks, Bobby. This smells good."

Bobby smiled. Dean was actually eating without being threatened. That was a good sign. Maybe he and Sam were doing something right. Now they just had to get the dang fool kid sleeping again.

"Then eat it and quit jabbering."

Sam watched as Dean cut the omelet into bite sized pieces before he took a bite of the wheat toast beside it. He tried to understand how Dean could ever think sacrificing his own happiness for his was ok. What made Dean less important? And who the hell made him think he was in the first place? Sam knew the answer to that question. John Winchester had done a number on his oldest son. Sam saw the results of their militaristic upbringing everyday. Dean continuously on guard and poised for a fight, in full protection mode.

Dean ate slowly, trying to avoid the awkward conversation he knew was coming. Bobby would want answers as to what exactly he heard as he stood outside the door. God, why did the have to meddle in his business? He was fine damn it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chap. 4**

Bobby saw the book as he descended the stairs. It was lying on the floor beside the overstuffed blue chair Dean always commandeered open, the pages fluttering in the breeze from the open living room window. Bending to scoop it up he noticed the script looked familiar. Glancing closer, he realized the hand writing was Dean's. He was looking at the Dean's journal. Turning the book so he could see the front, he saw the words "volume 8" written at the top. So there had been seven previous works similar to this one? Wow, Bobby wasn't even aware Dean kept a journal. Flipping the book back over, Bobby tried not to snoop; until he saw the words _never forget what he did to me_. Bobby had to know what that was about, so he sat on the couch and began reading, terribly aware of how wrong it was to violate Dean's privacy and trust. Still, if something was wrong and it was so obvious that it was, Bobby reasoned that he needed to know what it was.

Sam walked along the isles, filling his cart with all the necessities on the list. Next he thought about what to get for dinner that night. Bobby had some pork chops; they could do some pineapple pork chops. Garlic roasted potatoes, some steamed veggies, and maybe some honey butter rolls would be great sides as well. With that task complete, he set about finding ingredients for a coconut cream pie. There was no way Dean could turn down pineapple pork chops_ and_ pie.

Dean sat on the porch, letting the beer cascade down his parched throat. He really wanted to just drink himself into oblivion. The past month had been terrible. The memories bombarding him were almost too much. After receiving the call from Larry Sway about the information regarding their father, he had not even hesitated; they had gone to Michigan to meet the creep. Dean had put aside his fear to gain any information he could about his father's location. Now, he almost wished he had never made the trip. Seeing the man again had turned his whole world on its axis. Recalling the horrible thing that man did to him while John was on a hunt made him gag. He felt so dirty, still.

Sam saw his brother sitting on the steps as he arrived. The beer bottle dangling from his hand seemed to be empty. As did the three other bottle sitting beside him. Dean was on his way to pulling a magnificent drunk by the looks of things. Just great! A drunk Dean was however a talkative Dean. They had that on their side.

"Sam, take the groceries in will ya? I need to talk to Dean for a minute."

"Sure Bobby."

Bobby sat beside Dean as Sam grabbed a few bags from the seat of the truck and headed inside.

"I found this on the floor."

Dean glanced at the journal in Bobby's hand and sighed.

"Did you read it?"

"I did. And I gotta tell kid, the contents made me want to hurl."

"Yeah, experiencing it first hand was no walk in the park."

"Why didn't you ever say anything to anybody? Your daddy would have…"

"Dad would have thought I was weak. He needed me to be strong, not some helpless child."

"I would have taken care of the problem, son."

"You just don't get it, Bobby!"

"What don't I get, boy?"

"We had a deal! He never touched Sam if I let him…"

"If you let him what?"

"If I let him rape me. I had to protect Sam, Bobby. I had to. Dad would have hit the roof if something like this had ever happened to Sam."

"He wouldn't care about it happening to you?"

"Why would he? Sam's the one I have to protect. He never said anything about protecting me."

And that, Bobby thought was the root of the problem. John had preached constantly about keeping little Sammy safe. Too bad he never told Dean it was ok to protect himself as well. Now, thanks to John's neglect, Dean had no concept of self worth or self esteem.

Dean flinched when the gentle hand was placed on the back of his neck. In his most of his experience gentle touches led to more. That wasn't always a bad thing, but in this context it certainly seemed to be.

Sam swiped at the angry tears on his face. How could Dean live with this for so long? How had Sam not seen the signs? Granted, he had been a child, but still, he should have noticed different about Dean. How could Dad not know about this? Was he so concerned about the hunt that he just overlooked Dean? He wanted to hit something. When they finally found Dad, Sam was going to kick his ass! Now though, he was going to start dinner and try his level best to process what he had just learned. Dean would need him. He would need to be strong for his brother, the way Dean had always been for him. God, Dean really had given up everything so he could have a somewhat normal life. And the tears were back. If he felt like this now, he couldn't imagine what Dean felt like now. Or then for that matter. This was such a cluster fuck! He needed to talk to both Dean and Bobby. That could wait until after dinner. After Bobby elicited more information from Dean.


	5. Chapter 5

** Chap. 5**

**I do not own Supernatural or the characters. If I did I would be a **_**very **_**happy girl. As it is now, I just get to play in their sandbox for a while. **

Dinner had been a quiet affair with both Sam and Dean remaining silent. Bobby would hazard a guess that Sam had overheard the conversation he and Dean had been having earlier. He would also hazard a guess that Dean had figured that out as well. Now as they sat in the living room flipping through over five hundred channels, Bobby realized he would have to do something. The quietness could not last forever. Eventually the elephant in the room would have to be dealt with.

"Dean, why don't you get us some pie, son?"

"Sure, Bobby. Be right back."

As soon as he saw the elder Winchester disappear into the kitchen, Bobby glared at the younger of the two.

"Start talking, boy."

Sam looked away as he spoke.

"I heard you and Dean talking on the porch."

"I figured as much. So tell me, when were you going to tell your brother?"

"I wasn't actually."

"Well, you might want to reconsider that because he already knows you know and it's driving him batshit crazy."

"How do I even broach the topic with him?"

"You just say Dean I heard you and Bobby talking and it freaks me out."

Sam turned toward the voice and saw his brother, his hero, passing out the pie as he spoke.

"I didn't know how, Dean. You can't just drop a bombshell like that and expect me not to react. Dean this is not ok!"

"It was a long time ago Sammy, its nothing."

"You were raped numerous times! How is that alright?"

Bobby saw Dean visibly flinch at the words. Retreating would be his next move, Bobby knew and he couldn't let that happen. Dean needed to get this out in the open.

"I kept you safe. That's all that has ever mattered to me. Nothing will ever be as important as protecting you."

"Damn it Dean! How could you? Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? I feel guilty as hell because you thought it was alright for some pervert to molest you if it kept me safe."

"You were never supposed to know about any of this. No one was supposed to know. Bobby found one of my journals and read it. I'm sorry that you're upset."

Sam slapped the wall as he walked to the stairs.

"Stop that! Just stop! Fuck! We should be apologizing to you! We failed you."

"You were just a kid Sam. Please don't blame yourself. This was no one's fault but mine. I should have been stronger or faster or smarter. Look I really don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to bed."

Sam sank into the chair beside the couch and thrust his head in his hands angrily. Damn Dean for his lack of worth! And Damn John Winchester for causing it in the first place! And Larry Sway! Sam would make sure he rotted in hell for what he had done!

Bobby waited until Sam fell into a fitful sleep on the couch before covering him with a couple blankets and making his way to Dean. What he found broke his heart. Dean Winchester curled into a ball on the bed, tears streaming down his freckled face. Knowing instantly what he needed to do, the older man climbed onto the bed and scooted over so he could scoop the boy up and hold him.

"Its gonna be alright, Dean. Bobby's gonna take care of everything. Just let it out, boy."

Dean curled into Bobby's chest and continued to cry. He cried for the kid he never got to be and for the life he never got to live. He sobbed his heart out because even if it was years ago, the abuse still hurt. It still made him feel dirty and shameful. He wept because the man who was supposed to protect him at all costs had been the very person to leave him with Larry.

"It hurts Bobby! It just hurts!"

Bobby carded his hand through the kid's short locks and held him tighter, rocking as he did so. Being able to offer Dean comfort was a rarity. Bobby wished like hell this wasn't necessary, still, the affection was long overdue. As he continued to rock Bobby Singer knew what he had to do. Get Dean back on an even plane, then take care of his other business. Make sure Sam was alright, and then give Larry Sway what he deserved. For now though, his boys needed him. That was all that mattered at the moment.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chap. 6**

Sam carried the coffee up the stairs carefully. It was still hot and he really did not want to slosh any of it onto himself. A second-degree burn was not pleasant, he knew that from experience. Peeking in the door, he found Bobby sitting against the headboard of the bed, seemingly in his own world.

"Thanks for bringing that up, kid. I really didn't want to have to leave your brother. It hasn't been the best of nights for him."

Sam wanted to scream and cry at the injustice of it all. How could none of them see this? What the hell was wrong with them?

"I tried to call Dad again."

"And?"

"His voice mail box is full. Is it wrong to hate him Bobby?"

Bobby sipped his coffee before he spoke. Normally, he would say it was never alright to hate anyone. Now though, seeing Dean's tear stained face, he just could not bring himself to even try to defend John Winchester.

"You go on and hate him, son. And you hate him enough for the both of you, because your brother is too damn loyal for his own good. Then when you're done hating him, you realize how hard raising two boys was for him in this life. As much as you might want to lay the blame at your daddy's feet, you can't dump it all there. Larry Sway still has to be held accountable for something."

"You're defending him?"

"No. There are three things I know for certain about your daddy, boy. Number one: He's a stubborn, obstinate son of a bitch. Number two: He's an obsessive bastard. Number three: You and your brother are his whole world. He might not always show it, but that above anything else is what I know about John. Sometimes that man makes me want to pump him full buckshot, but he loves you and Dean. Don't you ever doubt that!"

"When I think Dean's ok, I'll stop hating him. Besides, Dad's the one who made Dean think he was less important than I was with all that protect Sammy shit! Did it ever occur to him that Dean might need someone to watch out for him?"

Bobby drained his coffee and sighed. Sam and John really were two of a kind. They were both so alike they repelled each other, often leaving Dean to play peacemaker. Too bad, neither really saw Dean for who he really was. His heart was far too tender for the constant battering it took from the two of them. Dean Winchester felt things deeper than anyone realized. Easing himself off the bed, Bobby tucked the covers back around Dean and grabbed his coffee cup.

"I'm going for a refill."

Sam watched his brother stretch and roll onto his stomach before opening his eyes.

"Jesus, Sammy! What are you my personal stalker? What the hell?"

"Sorry. I just…um…I just need to know you're ok."

"I'm fine, Dude. I always am. Now, if you can tear your eyes away from my beautiful body, I really need to take a leak."

Bobby dialed the familiar number and waited for an answer.

"Bobby, what can I do for you? I was under the impression that you wanted nothing to do with me."

"I could care less about your old ornery ass. Your boys, though, well, they're a different story. Where the fuck are you?"

"Ohio, now what is this about the boys?"

"Just git your ass to my place and make it yesterday."

"Are they hurt?"

"Physically, no."

"Bobby quit stalling and tell me!"

"Larry Sway. You remember him?"

"Yeah, the boys stayed with him sometimes when I was hunting. Why?"

"I ain't doing this over the phone. Call me when you're close."

After hanging up the phone, Bobby turned to find Sam behind him, filling his brother's coffee cup.

"It's nice to know he answers your calls."

Not knowing what to say to that, the older hunter grabbed his bourbon and downed a shot. Damn these Winchesters!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chap. 7**

**Thanks for all the support this fic is getting. I wasn't sure if it was worth reading, to be honest. I'm not the best writer out there, but I do try! Now ONWARD!**

Sam heard the rumble of the old truck just as he descended the stairs. With Dean in the shower, he thought it might be a good time to try to call Dad again. First, though, he wanted to be sure the truck pulling up to the house didn't spell trouble. Dean was still recovering both physically and emotionally, he didn't need some moron trying to start some shit.

Bobby met the truck just as it pulled up to the house. The call twenty minutes ago told him it was John. Though to in all honesty, he had not expected the old bastard to make such good time. Apparently, he was worried about his boys. _Bout damn time, too._

The sight of his youngest made his heart stutter. Sam had gotten even taller, his muscles more defined. Sam was no longer that lanky teenager he had once been, now he was a man, and he had missed seeing it happen because he was too stubborn to concede anything. The kid still had those damn puppy dog eyes though. Those eyes had been John's undoing more than once.

John wasn't expecting a bear hug, but being slammed into the truck by Sam was a surprise. Those puppy eyes were now transformed into something filled with rage and hatred,

"How could you! He's your son!"

Turning the tables, John pinned Sammy to the truck before turning to Bobby.

"What the hell is going on?"

The other hunter simply handed the elder Winchester a beer laced with Holy water and sighed.

"Maybe you should come inside."

Dean wrapped the towel around his slim waist and grabbed another to dry his hair. The night had turned colder than he expected. He should have listened to Bobby when the old man had suggested he take a long sleeved t-shirt with him. It really didn't matter either way; he had left his pajama pants and shirt on the bed. He was such an idiot lately. He had to get his head together fast. Sammy could get hurt because of this shit.

John watched as his oldest entered the room, never noticing him at all. Wow! The Dean he knew would never be so inattentive. He had trained both his boys better than that!

"Hey, kiddo."

"Dad. I see they called."

"You're not surprised to see me?"

"I smelled you in the hallway."

"How did you know it was actually me?"

"Bobby would never let anything unsafe in while we're here. If something did get in he'd find a way to warn me."

John had no doubts about either statement. Bobby Singer loved Sam and Dean dearly.

"Are you at least happy to see me?"

"Knowing that you're alive makes me very happy. Forgive me if I don't wrap you up like Sam the octopus, not really my style."

"Your back and ribs might protest as well."

Dean slipped the pajamas on under the towel and discarded the light blue fluff before reaching for a long sleeved shirt.

"I guess Bobby and Sam told you about the hunt."

"Among other things."

Watching as Dean winced, then pulled the shirt over his head, John was almost sickened at how thin the boy had become. Dean had never been one to carry extra weight, but this was something else entirely.

"What other things?"

Dean sat on the bed and tried to slip on a sock, but his hands shook too much to allow him to actually get the garment on his foot. If Bobby and Sam had talked about Larry Sway Dad would be disgusted with him.

John took the thick sock from his son and slipped it over the foot dangling from the bed before repeating the gesture one more time. Once the socks were in place, John placed his hands on either side of Dean's face and kissed his forehead. As Dean's eyes grew wide with shock, John realized he had not done that since the night of the fire. It made him wonder what else he hadn't done since then. So many things rushed through his mind.

"Bobby told me about Larry."

That one sentence sent Dean running for the bathroom. He threw up the coffee he had had for lunch and the beer he had drank for dinner. This was not supposed to happen. Dad was never supposed to find out! _He must think I'm such a failure!_

John watched as his son sat back against the tub and took a deep breath. His face was pale, his eyes shadowed by bruises and bags and haunted by the past. Dean's freckles stood out in stark contrast to the pale skin. When the trembling didn't stop, John sat beside him and wrapped his arm around the kid.

Dean jerked away from his father. He was nasty and filthy; he didn't want his dad to get the filth on him. God his ribs hurt! Why couldn't he breathe? The room was going dark again.

"Bobby he's having a panic attack, help me get him to the bedroom! Dean? Dean! Breathe son!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Supernatural and the characters are not mine. If they were, my life would be sooo much more interesting! **

Dean came back to himself with a deep shaky breath. His head felt foggy and his entire body was trembling. _What the hell? _Had he been hurt? And what was he propped against? Something warm and solid. Bobby maybe.

"Bobby?"

God, even his voice was wobbly. Fuck, he was such a girl!

"Not this time, kiddo."

Oh God! Dad had seen him lose it like a little schoolgirl. All Dean could do now was wait for the ass chewing he was certain to get. John Winchester simply did not accept weakness of any sort.

"I'm sorry."

The words were spoken so softly John almost missed them. When they did reach his ears though, his eyes misted over. After everything he had put the boy through, the stubborn kid still thought, he had done something wrong! There were so many things wrong with that thought he had no clue where to start.

"Dad please say something."

John took a deep cleansing breath to gather himself before he spoke. With Dean things were rarely what they seemed. Having a conversation with his oldest was sometimes like navigating a minefield. Dean could read between the lines even when one thought there were no lines there. He was a master at seeing what was really there.

"We need to talk."

"There's not really anything to talk about. I'm fine."

"Yeah, the panic attack told me that."

John felt Dean go rigid. In true Dean fashion, the kid saw the attempt at humor as an attack on him.

"I should go check on Sam. I can't imagine he was overly happy to see you."

"Dean I didn't mean…Damnit!"

Bobby waited until Dean was down the stairs before he entered the bedroom. John looked lost.

"I take it that didn't go so well?"

"That damn kid is too stubborn for his own good."

"Can't imagine where he gets that from."

"Larry Sway, huh?"

"I know you want to go after him, but I think Dean needs you more now."

"He doesn't trust me with this."

"That boy trusts you with his life!"

"But not with something like this. I've never given him a reason to."

"Then this is a good time to give him that reason. He doesn't need a drill sergeant John. He needs his father. I realize he's grown and has taken care of himself and Sam since he was four years old, but damn it John he shouldn't have to now."

Bobby left the man to think about what he had said. John needed to hear the truth and Bobby Singer was more than happy to oblige. The man should have seen something was wrong years ago. The old bastard was too wrapped up in himself and finding the thing that killed Mary to actually see his oldest son. He just saw a perfect little soldier. Now that way of thinking was coming back to bite him in the ass.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chap. 9**

John found him in the garage under the hood of an old beat up Mustang. Sitting on a stool just beside the car was Sammy, chattering a mile a minute. Smiling to himself, John leaned against the door facing and watched. Some things never change. Dean would always find working on cars relaxing and Sam would always shadow Dean jabbering about everything and nothing at the same time. When Sammy was younger, the shadow routine was more about emulating his cool as hell older brother, now though; John knew the stalker act was more about protection than anything else. Sam had finally realized just how bad things had always been for Dean and the mother hen in him surfaced in full force. Dean had always taken care of him, now it was his turn to return the favor.

Dean picked up the scent just as Sammy handed him the wrench. No immediate threat, just Dad, lurking in the doorway. What the hell was up with the man? This wasn't the dad he remembered. This dad was not the tough marine drill instructor of his childhood. This version of Dad was softer around the edges and since no one would ever hear this, especially Dad, Dean could admit that the Dad like thing was a little doughy around the middle as well.

"You do realize that I picked up your scent the minute you walked up, right?"

John stepped out of the shadows and conceded the lose. Dean was a better hunter than he would ever be. Hell, Dean had been a better man at four than John could ever hope to be.

Sam peeked around the hood and instantly stopped talking. He didn't know what had happened after the panic attack between his father and Dean, but he knew it couldn't be good. Dean was still shaken by whatever had transpired.

"You guys want a beer?"

"Yeah, Sammy that'd be great. Thanks."

"Dad?"

"Sure."

As Sam headed for the kitchen, John approached his son only to watch as the kid stepped back and away.

"Why are you so skittish around me, now?"

"I'm sure Bobby did ever test known to the hunting community when you showed up, but I'm still not convinced. You're different. My father would have never taken time away from a hunt for something like this."

"Maybe I just realized some things were more important than hunting."

"You realize that just now or after Bobby told you I'd been some perverts little bitch for years?"

John dropped his head and sighed.

"I guess I deserve that."

"No you don't. I'm sorry. I know you were looking for that _thing_ that killed Mom. Sammy demanded enough from you, I just didn't want to cause any more trouble. I didn't want you to think I couldn't take care of Sam. I could. I can. I never let anyone touch him."

"And I am so proud of you for always watching out for him. You do a great many things that make me proud of you, but why couldn't you just trust me with this? Why not just say something? How many times did I leave you guys with Larry? Dozens? Damn it Dean!"

"I'm sorry. I know he's a friend and now this complicates things. I never wanted you to find out. I never wanted anyone to find out. He's a great asset to the hunt, don't let this ruin that."

Dean was not expecting the choked out watery laugh that barked from his dad's throat. He wasn't expecting the tears in his dad's eyes, either. Dad didn't do emotions. They were useless. They were for the weak and helpless.

"I don't care how much of an asset he is son. This is not ok. This is not a price I was ever willing to pay!"

John watched as Dean shrank away from him.

"I'm sorry. You told me to protect Sam and I did. I don't regret that. I don't understand why you're so angry."

The explosion died on his lips as John realized that Dean really had no clue. The kid couldn't understand that the anger was for all the injustice that had been done to him.

"I never told you to look after yourself, did I? Where's that beer when you need it?"

Dean watched as John disappeared through the door. It was going to take more than a beer to drown this. Maybe some of Bobby's old rotgut would suffice. Why did he have to fuck everything up? Damn it!


	10. Chapter 10

**Chap. 10**

Bobby watched as he tossed his clothes into a duffle before grabbing several books and his journal and stuffing them into the bag as well. He wanted to strangle this man. Or fill him full of buckshot. Either would be quite satisfying at the moment.

"You're just gonna leave? Now? What about Dean?"

"Dean can handle himself, Bobby. He always has."

"Damn it John! Your boys need you here!"

"I need to check out this lead. This could be _the_ lead, Bobby. If I find this thing this could all be over in just a few days."

"Not for Dean."

"Dean will be fine. He's strong."

"Well you should know. You made him that way. Stay strong Dean! Toughen up Dean! Breathe through it Dean! He was little boy! He liked baseball and Matchbox cars. He liked a story before bed. He liked building castles with Legos. He liked playing board games and army men. He loved to write stories and draw pictures. Did you know any of that, John?"

"I may not have been the best father in the world but Sam and Dean turned out just fine! They're hunters Bobby! They don't have time to be anything but. And neither do I. I have to go. Dean will understand, Bobby. He always does."

"If you leave now if you ever darken my door step again I'll pump you sorry ass full of lead. Your sons should be your priority. Not this monster you've hunted for years. It can wait a few more days! Dean can't, though. He's falling apart and you, you dumb son of a bitch are too blind to see it!"

"I'm going after this damn thing before it can get to them!"

"Just keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night."

"I sleep fine."

With that, Bobby Singer watched the bane of his existence walk down the stairs and out the front door. The ignorant fool had no clue he was leaving Bobby with two of the most amazing gifts in the world. Now all he had to do was find said gifts and do a shit load of damage control.

Finding Sam was easy. Bobby just followed the stomping, banging and clanging out the back door and into the yard.

"Why does he do this, Bobby? Why can't he just…be a dad? That's why Dean never tells him anything. The minute you think you might actually get to spend some time with him he bolts. Dean's a mess Bobby."

Bobby steered the gentle giant to a chair in the yard and sat him down.

"Dean might be a mess, but he has us. And we're not going anywhere. Now you gotta calm down and help me out here. I need you to do a little research for me."

"Bobby I really don't think a hunt will help anything."

Bobby handed him a piece of scrap paper with a name written on it.

"I never said anything about a hunt, idjit! Now listen up, this lady is one of us. She was raised in the life. She's also a trauma therapist. Don't you breathe a word of this to your brother. Last I heard she was on a hunt in Maine. I haven't seen her in years. I need you to find her, Sam. When you do tell her Bobby Singer needs to cash that favor. Now go."

"Yes sir."

One down, one to go. Now to find Dean. It shouldn't be too hard. Just follow the paw prints. The damn dogs always did like those boys better. Hell, everyone seemed to gravitate toward Sam and Dean. Whether they wanted to or not.

"I thought I'd find that mutt around here."

"Is Sam alright? He wouldn't talk to me."

"He's pissed, but other than that, he's fine."

"He has every right to be angry. Did Dad even ask how he was doing?"

"He did actually. He and Sam seemed to be getting along."

"Good."

"You know you can be angry with him, too."

"What good would that do?"

"I don't know. But it sure works for me."

Not wanting to waste the moment, the older hunter sat on the step just behind Dean, draped his arms over the still too thin shoulders, and squeezed the kid to him. He was surprised when Dean actually leaned into the embrace. Dean had spent a lifetime avoiding the affection he so desperately craved.

"I just wanted him to be my dad, Bobby. What did I do that made him stop? I tried to be whatever he wanted. Where did I go wrong?"

"You didn't do a damn thing wrong, boy. Your daddy's a moron and that's his problem. Not yours!"

Dean turned into the hug and wrapped his arms around the warm, soft middle that was Bobby. This was safe. It always had been.

Bobby felt the hot tears seep into his T-shirt and vowed to break John's legs for this.

"I'm sorry, Bobby. I don't know why I do this. It's stupid and childish."

"You apologize to me one more time, boy and I'm gonna take my wooden spoon to your ass. I haven't done that in a long time, but I'm sure I remember how."

The watery laugh broke Bobby's heart a little more. He was so gonna kick John's ass. The old bastard deserved it.

**Can y'all tell I like Bobby? I like John too, but this little thing was a request. Now, if y'all would be so kind as to leave a review I would truly appreciate it. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Chap. 11**

**Well, again thanks for the reviews. They are always welcome. **

It took Sam three days to find what he needed. Three days of watching Dean sink deeper and deeper into himself and three nights of waking to Dean screaming his lungs out as the nightmares took hold. When he wasn't screaming he was quietly begging Larry and God only knows who else not to hurt his brother. Sam knew it wouldn't be long before he himself broke. Seeing Dean so wrecked was killing him inside. Dean had always been his tough; take no prisoners, protective older brother. Now he was just a shell of that man. Hell who wouldn't be after the shit Dean had been through? Still having to watch Dean shatter like glass was painful.

Bobby hung up the phone and heaved a mighty sigh of relief. Finally, maybe he had found someone who could help. God, he sure hoped so! He didn't know how much more he could take. He didn't know how much more Dean could take. The boy was barely hanging on as it was. Between the flashbacks and the nightmares, sleep was becoming an elusive little creature for all three of them. Eating was hardly a concept anymore. Dean seemed to focus all his time and energy into hunting, drowning his troubles in whatever booze happened to be in the house, and Sam. He was falling into a darkness Bobby wasn't sure he could climb out of.

_**Three Rivers, KY**_

John peered through the binoculars at his target. This bitch wasn't getting away now. Too much damage had been done because of this monster. John grabbed the gun and checked that his knife was still in place before he exited the truck. He stood at the truck door waiting for the bastard to enter the house. It was judgment day for this fucker. This had been a long time in the making and finally the time had come. Strolling up to the house John softly knocked on the front door and waited for a reaction.

The door swung open with a vengeance to reveal the monster John had been hunting. There he stood, without a care in the world munching on a Golden Delicious apple.

"John Winchester, it's been a while."

"Larry Sway, how the hell have you been?"

_**Sioux Falls, SD, Two Days Later**_

The phone was ringing. And it wasn't stopping! Balls! Who the hell? Rufus!

"Damn it Rufus, it's not even daylight yet!"

"Good morning to you too."

"Rufus this better be good."

"Oh it is. Larry Sway was found dead last night."

"How?"

"The grapevine says he was tortured before someone decided to shoot him and leave him to bleed out."

"Well I'm just heartbroken."

"Yeah, I thought you might be. Talk at you later, Bobby."

Bobby hung up the phone and sighed.

"John Winchester, you sneaky bastard."

Grabbing the phone again, he dialed the familiar number and waited for the old goat to answer.

"Yeah, Bobby what do you need?"

"Why didn't you just tell me you were going after that filth?"

"I couldn't risk Dean finding out. He wouldn't want this Bobby you know that."

"Just git your ass back here!"

"I'm on my way now. I should be there by tonight."

Bobby glanced around the room and almost laughed. John Winchester had done what he and Sam had wanted to do since finding out what the animal had done to Dean. Maybe he wasn't the terrible father Bobby seemed to think he was.


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry for the delay in posting. My computer is in the shop so I am now sharing a computer with a gaming addict. Anyway, here is the last chapter in this story. The next installment has already been started. As you know, most of my fics are somewhat AU. I mainly just write what my friends request. I hope this story was everything you wanted. If not tune into the nest story in the series. **

John started awake and glanced around; looking for what had pulled him out of what passed for deep sleep for hunters. Nothing seemed out of place. Except for the light under the bathroom door. Moving closer, he heard it. The retching. Turning the knob, he saw his eldest son sitting back against the tub, reaching for mouthwash.

"You ok in here?"

Dean started at the unexpected voice.

"Sure. Sorry I woke you. I'm usually pretty quiet."

John sat beside his son and cocked his head to the side.

"Usually? How often does this happen?"

"Every…night or so. I used to wake Bobby, but now I'm quieter."

John sniffed and sighed. This had to stop.

"Tequila and bourbon, huh?"

"They taste so much worse coming up than they did going down."

John snorted at the comment. It was so Dean that he almost laughed aloud.

"So, this drinking, it happens all the time?"

"Pretty much. Bobby and Sam won't let me hunt so I found a new hobby."

"Yeah, this new hobby have anything to do with those nightmares Bobby was telling me about?"

Dean buried his head in his hands and sighed. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

"What nightmares? I sleep fine."

"So that's why you're hunched over the toilet at 2:18 am? Because you sleep fine?"

"Guess so."

"Dean don't do this to yourself. Let us in. You don't have to do this alone, son."

"You guys don't need this. It's too much. Just leave it alone."

John looked at his son and sighed. Dean had lost even more weight and if the dark bruises under his eyes were any indication, he had lost more sleep as well.

"I will not watch you destroy yourself."

"Too late for that shit."

"Hey! Stop with the attitude dude. You're angry, I get that. You have every right to be. But not like this. Just tell me you're pissed at me, kid."

"I'm not angry with you!"

"Then who?"

"Me! I'm pissed as hell that I let you guys find out. I'm so fucking angry that I didn't fight back. I'm not as strong as you think I am. I'm weak and useless and pathetic…"

The tirade was cut off by a sharp smack to the back of his head.

"You're none of those things. You're my son and Sam's brother. You're brilliant, funny, and so damn much like you mother it amazes me sometimes. And you Dean Winchester are the strongest person I know. And if you ever doubt that again I'll aim lower that your head and one smack won't nearly cover it."

Dean launched himself at his father and melted into the embrace.

"I just wanted it to stop, Daddy!"

John Winchester knew then that a heart could break more that once, because his did. Dean hadn't called him Daddy since he was five years old. Since his childhood was ripped away.

"Please don't be angry with me. I'm so sorry. You said take care of Sam."

"You always have, son. You always take care of everybody. And you do it so well that we never noticed when you weren't alright. I'm sorry you thought you always had to take on the world alone. I'm sorry I never told you to watch out for yourself. And I'm so fucking sorry I made you think so little of yourself. Dean I love you so damn much, son. After your mother died, you were the only thing that kept me going. I know I put so much on you and you never complained, not once. I messed up."

Dean burrowed into his father's chest and cried. He didn't care if his dad got angry with him, it hurt.

Bobby slipped back into his bedroom, sat on the side of his bed, and poured himself a shot of his old rotgut.

"Damn Winchesters!."


End file.
